What do you do when your spouse says you are saying "I Love You" so much that it doesn't have any meaning? Do you have a pity party? Get angry? Stop saying it? Shutdown? There are many not helpful responses, but I think my wife and I are on to something BIG here...
This last week I started a "NEW" practice - at the request of my wife. Rather than saying I love you, I first started thinking about why was I feeling love for her right now? Then I would say something like; "If I were to say I Love you right now, I would mean that I ...." and I'd describe the reasons for wanting to let her know that I love her. Then with that communicated, I could say "I Love You" and the meaning was clear and known to us both.The result has been really neat for both of us. For me: to have to think about what I'm trying to express and then actually trying to express that. I'm finding that what I'm expressing can be quite different, even though in the past I would have used the same three words to express it. So for example, after our exercise today, I told her that if I were to say that I loved her I would be saying that I appreciated her riding with me, coaching me, encouraging me, helping me to work hard and not leaving me behind - then I told her that I loved her - and she knew what I really was trying to express. For her: it seems to me that she's opening up and wanting to 'hear' what I'm wanting to express. It's almost like I'm able to see further into her eyes - like she's more open to hear my efforts at deeper and more meaningful communication of thoughts and feelings. Even though the idea was hers, she hasn't started doing it much yet, but I did ask her this evening after she said she loved me, "Why?": So she too shared what she was wanting to communicate in those familiar words and it was very nice to hear why she was wanting to express her love to me.
A parallel is apologies. How many of us like to be told "I'm sorry." Nothing else, just that? Not me. When I hear those words, I will usually ask a question, "What are you sorry for?" Then I can understand what they are sorry for and it leads to a better understanding as the speaker has to think about what they are really wanting to say, and the hearer gets to listen with out having to guess what they are trying to communicate. I've been doing this for quite some time (read many years - and requiring my kids to do the same).So, just as earnestly as I would encourage you to add some interval training to your running and cycling workouts, so I also encourage you too try out this replacement for "I love you." Make an effort to say "Why" you are wanting to express your love, and then finish with those familiar 3 words - where they will now have specific meaning and communicate deeply. Take the risk, open your heart, this is your spouse - go for it!
Just trying to pass on something that has taken us years to discover. Try it, I bet your relationship will like the results!
[Photos: more nice roses, fruit from the Mulberry tree.]
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